


text me any, anytime

by fishyspots



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: 5+1 Things, Banter, Canon Compliant, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, M/M, Partners in Love and in Business, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:28:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28226124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fishyspots/pseuds/fishyspots
Summary: Five times Patrick gives David an incentive to do something, and one time David does the same to Patrick.
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Comments: 40
Kudos: 192





	text me any, anytime

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Januarium](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Januarium/gifts).



> HAPPY BIRTHDAY JANUARIUM. I hope it's been a wonderful day and I hope you enjoy this!
> 
> Title is (kind of) from "Call Me" by Blondie.

****

**one.**

David Rose  
  
**Today** 2:13 PM  
Patrick: Hi David, it’s Patrick. Wanted to check in and see what time is good for me to come in tomorrow morning.  
  
David: Ugh  
  
David: I should’ve given you a key  
  
Patrick: Sorry, what?  
  
David: I’m not, shall we say, a morning person  
  
David: But I’ll try to be in early tomorrow so you don’t have to wait around  
  
Patrick: Great!  
  
Patrick: Want to plan on eight?  
  
Patrick: Wow, a lot of starts and stops for typing there  
  
David: We won’t be doing eight, thanks so much  
  
David: I can meet at ten?  
  
Patrick: Meet in the middle at nine? Ray is helping Ivan franchise (I don’t know if you know Ivan?) but we have a ton of muffins around the house. I could bring you one?  
  
David: Um I absolutely know Ivan  
  
David: Assume I know all purveyors of baked goods in the greater elms  
  
David: But yes, I will get up early for Ivan’s baking and nothing less  
  
Patrick: Calling my company less? Wow, one day as business partners and the magic is already gone  
  
David: Are we going to call the lecture you gave me on distribution schedules magical?  
  
Patrick: Your eyes didn’t glaze over at ALL, though. I was positive you felt the magic.  
  
Patrick: Anyway! Getting off topic. Nine?  
  
David: Don’t expect this to be a habit or anything  
  
Patrick: The store’s going to be open in the morning, David.  
  
David: UGH  
  
David: I now require two muffins tomorrow  
  
Patrick: I better stop texting, then. I don’t know if Ray’s going to give up much more than that. See you tomorrow!  
  


* * *

****

**two.**

Patrick  
  
**Today** 11:07 AM  
David: Let me know when Roland leaves  
  
Patrick: Jocelyn’s here with him now  
  
David: Condolences to you  
  
Patrick: Doesn’t really seem like you’re THAT busy stocking if you can text me  
  
David: I wish I had the time to respond and defend myself, but I’m soooooooo busy stocking  
  
Patrick: She’s asking about skincare  
  
Patrick: I know you’ve been waiting for this moment  
  
David: DO NOT sell her any of our face oils, her skin doesn’t need that  
  
David: Hang on I’m typing up instructions  
  
Patrick: Take two steps out here and tell her yourself, please  
  
David: I can hear Roland and you know my rules. You agreed to my rules!  
  
Patrick: Sorry, can’t talk. I’m selling Jocelyn every face oil I can find.  
  
David: I’m going to die back here, is that what you want?  
  
Patrick: I think I’ve been pretty clear that what I want is you to come out here  
  
Patrick: I’m not good at this part and I know you have strong opinions that I won’t get right  
  
David: You’re good at lots of things  
  
Patrick: Aw, including skincare? Thanks  
  
Patrick: I always thought I was a visionary  
  
Patrick: Water and genetics are really all you need  
  
David: Okay I’m going to help Jocelyn but you have to talk to Roland the whole time  
  
David: Especially if he starts complaining about applesauce prices because I just cannot handle that today  
  
**Today** 11:31 AM  
David: I’m going to KILL YOU  
  
David: Get back here now  
  
Patrick: Now why would I return to such an inhospitable work environment?  
  
David: Slowly  
  
David: I’m going to kill you slowly  
  
Patrick: Once I see them leave I’ll bring you lunch?  
  
Patrick: I’ll give you my fries?  
  
Patrick: Actually starting to feel bad, they’ve been in there a while  
  
David: Jocelyn has proper skincare  
  
David: Don’t come back without fries  
  
David: And plan on making this up to me for the rest of the day  
  
David: I told Roland that you’d love to hear his opinions on markup and supply chains and organic apples  
  
David: And foot cream because he brought that up too you monster  
  
Patrick: Still bringing you fries, going to steal half of them  
  
David: Begrudgingly accepted  
  


* * *

****

**three.**

David  
  
**Today** 10:00 AM  
Patrick: Good morning, David.  
  
David: Yes what  
  
David: Why are you texting me at this early hour  
  
Patrick: This kind of talk does not bode well for me asking if you opened on time, huh?  
  
David: I really thought those hours were more of a suggestion  
  
Patrick: You’re very funny.  
  
David: Thanks, I think so  
  
**Today** 11:12 AM  
Patrick: Still waiting on an answer, David.  
  
David: The store is open, yes  
  
Patrick: Was it open at nine, though?  
  
David: Oh, do we open at nine?  
  
Patrick: I was thinking of swinging past that winery on my way home...  
  
Patrick: I can buy you the stuff you like for sangria?  
  
David: Love that, thanks  
  
Patrick: Answer my question first.  
  
David: I’m not Stevie you can’t bribe me with wine  
  
David: Yes we opened on time  
  
Patrick: For that I’ll get two bottles.  
  
David: This isn’t a negotiation but thanks  
  
Patrick: Call Maren to get the soy candles restocked and I’ll go up to three  
  
David: I already called Maren but not because you’re bribing me  
  
David: Because I am a responsible business owner  
  
Patrick: Very sensible  
  
David: I would like pinot gris for the third bottle  
  


* * *

****

**four.**

Patrick  
  
**Today** 9:43 PM  
Patrick: Did you want to come over tonight?  
  
David: Is Ray home  
  
Patrick: Yes.  
  
Patrick: BUT he’s doing a long-distance thing with a guy in Thornbridge so he’ll probably be on the phone all night  
  
Patrick: AND you haven’t stayed over in days  
  
David: Three texts in a row  
  
Patrick: Is that a problem?  
  
David: Just a novel concept  
  
David: I’m usually the one blowing up my partner’s phone  
  
Patrick: Blow up my phone anytime 😉  
  
Patrick: That...came out weird  
  
Patrick: But the sentiment stands  
  
Patrick: We’re getting off topic, though. Come over?  
  
Patrick: I can make it worth your while  
  
Patrick: David? Did you fall asleep?  
  
David: Wanted to see how many texts in a row I could get  
  
David: Tell me more about making it worth my while, though  
  
Patrick: You can pick a movie, I can pretend to watch it  
  
David: Sounds pretty standard to me  
  
Patrick: I’ll do my best to make it memorable  
  
Patrick: It’s late enough that Ray will probably stay in his room  
  
Patrick: Almost definitely  
  
David: We’ve been burned by that thinking before, honey  
  
Patrick: Yeah but...I got that package in the mail yesterday  
  
Patrick: So you might be able to keep me quiet, keep Ray from coming in to check on us  
  
David: Patrick, it’s just us here  
  
David: You can say the word “gag”  
  
David: Mumble mumble can’t text it can’t do it mumble mumble  
  
Patrick: Mumble mumble are you coming over or not  
  
David: That’s not how the mumble mumble thing works  
  
Patrick: Mumble mumble I’m going to start with or without you in ten minutes  
  
David: I already put pajamas on, you have to give me twenty  
  
Patrick: I hate to tell you that you aren’t going to be wearing the clothes long. Nine minutes.  
  
David: Discussion time shouldn’t count!  
  
Patrick: Mumble mumble eight minutes  
  
David: Fine, but I’m not ringing the doorbell and alerting Ray to my presence  
  
David: Even if I miss the time I expect you to let me in  
  
Patrick: Door’s unlocked  
  
Patrick: Seven minutes.  
  


* * *

****

**five.**

Stevie  
  
**Today** 9:15 AM  
Patrick: Stevie help  
  
Stevie: If this is a real emergency text someone else  
  
Stevie: The motel coffee is worse than usual this morning  
  
Patrick: Not a real emergency, though it’s lovely to know that I can count on you  
  
Patrick: How can I get David to come to a place with me that he won’t want to come to?  
  
Stevie: This is a wildly obvious fill-in-the-backstory game you’re playing  
  
Stevie: You’re talking about proposing, right?  
  
Patrick: ...Yes  
  
Stevie: Where are you going to do it? Just so I know what you need to prepare for and how much David bluster you’re going to be wading through  
  
Patrick: You’re going to laugh at me  
  
Stevie: We’re texting, you won’t know if I laugh or not  
  
Patrick: I’m going to take him on a hike  
  
Patrick: You’re totally laughing!  
  
Stevie: You can’t prove that  
  
Stevie: But you are correct  
  
Stevie: Why the fuck would you take him on a hike? He’s going to bitch about his hair and dress wildly inappropriately and probably slow you down the whole time  
  
Patrick: Do you actually want the reason or do you just want to help me? The reason is going to be sappy  
  
Stevie: How the fuck can you make a hike sappy  
  
Patrick: It’s the place I went when I was first figuring out my feelings for David  
  
Patrick: And it’s beautiful and actually a picturesque place  
  
Patrick: There aren’t a lot of picturesque places within an hour’s drive, and I don’t want him to get suspicious about why we’re driving so long  
  
Stevie: Damn that was sappy  
  
Stevie: I played myself  
  
Patrick: Told you so  
  
Stevie: Also stop pretending you think he’s suspecting this  
  
Stevie: You know he’s going to be surprised  
  
Patrick: Still, how do I get him there for the surprise?  
  
Stevie: You’re going to have to call it something different than a hike. Stargazing?  
  
Stevie: A picnic, maybe  
  
Patrick: Smart, very smart  
  
Stevie: Actually bring food too, or he’ll get cranky  
  
Patrick: I know better than to lie about food  
  
Patrick: Thank you - that part of the plan was stressing me out  
  
Stevie: Yeah well knowing David’s neuroses is something of a specialty of mine  
  
Stevie: The better to troll him with  
  
Patrick: I mean, you can’t pretend that it’s just that  
  
Stevie: Just what?  
  
Patrick: Oh, sorry, are we pretending that you and David don’t know each other deeply and make each other better?  
  
Patrick: Let me rephrase  
  
Patrick: Haha yeah it’s sooooooo funny how you and David aren’t two peas in a pod and don’t love each other  
  
Stevie: Bye  
  
Stevie: Tell me if he says no  
  
Patrick: Oh thanks for that new stress dream  
  
Stevie: Guess you’d better ask him soon  
  
Stevie: For the sake of your sleep schedule, or something  
  


* * *

****

**\+ one.**

Patrick  
  
**Today** 4:55 PM  
David: Patrick  
  
David: Please tell me that you aren’t attached to that red copper pan  
  
Patrick: Oh, you mean my prized cookware that I use every single day? My heirloom red copper pan?  
  
David: I will not be engaging with you when you’re so set on winding me up  
  
Patrick: Aw, I’ll miss you for...forever, probably  
  
Patrick: You’re right that you’re not engaged with me, though  
  
David: No married jokes, you already used your one for the week when you said my outfit had a nice ring to it  
  
David: Which also didn’t make sense so it was a waste of your quota  
  
Patrick: Kind of seems like you’re asking me for something here  
  
Patrick: Why are you texting me on your day off? I’m theoretically working  
  
David: I was making caramel earlier  
  
Patrick: Did the smoke alarm go off again? I’ve been meaning to check its sensitivity, it keeps going off whenever I try to pan fry  
  
David: No, it’s just that caramel is sticky and cleaning the pan is hard  
  
Patrick: Ah yes, my prized red copper pan  
  
Patrick: Sorry, continue  
  
David: I really don’t want to keep cleaning it  
  
David: And I made you caramels! And I cooked dinner!  
  
Patrick: I really don’t want to do the dishes, though  
  
Patrick: You always complain about the way I load the dishwasher  
  
David: Okay, putting aside the fact that bowls don’t go on the bottom rack for now  
  
David: Please please please  
  
David: I’ll make it worth your while  
  
Patrick: I don’t know, David  
  
Patrick: Cooled caramel will take forever to scrub  
  
Patrick: But I will consider it if you take out the trash before I get home  
  
David: But the kitchen trash is so gross  
  
David: I was actually thinking of fun things, like me taking you upstairs the minute you get home  
  
Patrick: You have my attention  
  
David: And testing out that new warming lube  
  
David: Over and over and over  
  
David: As many times as you can stand  
  
Patrick: Almost there...  
  
David: Ugh  
  
David: And I’ll take out the trash  
  
Patrick: Leave the pan to soak, I’ll get it tonight  
  
Patrick: And I’m on my way  
  
Patrick: Better get ready  
  
Patrick: Take a shower, leave the food to warm, take out the trash  
  
David: What a sexy list I have ahead of me  
  
David: Anyway I promise to have at least two of the three things done when you get home but I might need help with one of them  
  
Patrick: I’m not taking out the trash, David  
  
David: The shower, you monster  
  
David: I was saying we could shower together  
  
Patrick: I can make that happen  
  
David: I’m sure you can  
  



End file.
